That phrase caught my eye this morning, on a Museum poster. Made in Scotland, from stories. How true of all of us that is. That, and, from another ad campaign, ‘i am who i am, because of everyone.’ I’ve been thinking all day about what it is that makes me me… and it is stories. It’s reality, it’s life lived, people loved, relationships built up and broken down.
I am who I am because I went to primary school in a bubble and because of the shock I got at Firrhill, because i was awful at CDT and because i couldn’t play hockey to save myself. I am who I am because I got a B in higher maths. I am who I am because of Barnesy, and Mr T. I am who I am because so many people gave up their time so I could make movies, or go to New York, or paint, or talk, or study the Bible. I am who i am because I was valued and trusted. I am who I am because people at school believed in me. I am who I am because people threw food at me and shouted abuse, and I am who I am because of incredible friends.
I am who I am because of Colinton Parish Church, because I hated Sunday school, because Angela taught me to sing, because of the times i cried, because Jo opened crazy doors in my mind, because of headbanging to The Darkness at Sanctuary, toasties in the swing, weddings and funerals, thousands of cans of irn bru, doughnuts on the communion table, trips abroad, crazy children and old folk, because of burns’ supper and ‘take your daughter (neice) to work day’, because of being shouted at, because of being cared for and hugged, because of Santa hats and candles, profound experience, laughter, acceptance and learning.
I am who I am because of hard times at uni and finding where I fit. I am who I am because i’m scared of my calling. I am who i am because i’m also very excited. I am who I am because of soup and a roll, trying to find books in the stacks and crying over yet another essay. I am who I am because i hiccup through tutorial and because i can talk to my NT lecturer about boys.
I am who I am because of Rev, because of being scared of Lucy and finding actually I could cry. I am who I am because of the aims and values, rambles on weekend away, hloholonofatsa and crying when Claire drove away from the wedding. I am who I am because of busking in my bedroom. I am who I am because of the absolute joy of a concert, and because of the fear of conducting. I’m me, because I wanted desperately to be on committee, and because of who i’m on committee with. I am who I am because of long chats in the pub, and that time Morven made me do tequila shots. I am who i am because of soprano dancing and errrrrrrrrrrythema chat.
I am who I am because my heart was broken and because it’s mending. I am who I am someone likes me for me.
I am who I am because of that summer that i watched my gran fade away, because of the years before that when she taught me what it is to be a Christian and an independent woman, when she cooked me awful food but always, always had a sweetie in the box for me. I am who i am because of Granda’s drawings and putting £1 away every week. I am who I am because he knew which of us came in despite being blind.
I am who I am because my big cousins treated me like a boy, and because my wee cousin looks up to me.
I am who I am because of hundreds, no thousands of books, and because of my English teachers nurturing my love of them. I am who I am because of music- because of the feeling of making a peice soar, because of lyrics that speak into your heart, because of scary teachers who make you want to quit.
I am who I am because of new pyjamas on Christmas eve, because KJ knows my thoughts without me saying a word, because of the thousands of times i’ve laughed til it hurt. I am who i am because when i was in 2nd year an amazing circle of friends was formed. I am who I am because of staying up all night drinking pink wine with emma, because of lying hugging and talking, because Margaret completes some part of me. I am who i am because of scrubbing graffiti in Paisley and because of eating pancakes in montrose. I am who I am because Pauline asked me to be her bridesmaid.
I am who i am because of the times i’ve been made to feel worthless, the times i’ve wanted just not to BE at all. I am who I am because I still am.
I am who I am because of General Assembly and Youth Assembly- because they feel like home. I am who i am because of Marjory, and because of a long line of moderators. I am who I am because of youth reps, and because of the people who work themselves too hard to give us chances. I am who I am because these people show me who i wish to be. I am who I am because of times in Sweden, teaching me about my own identity and playing crazy games. I am who I am because of healing services, congas to LCGC and whistling choirs. I am who I am because I’m constantly challenged about my theology. I am who I am because i’ve journeyed with people through hard times and happiness.
I am who I am because of working with children, because of coming of age alongside Lynsey, because of crinkle-cut pancakes and sack-races and banter in the paddock at Barmyhill. I am who I am because of chatting about God in the sea in Spain with Sarah, because of that beautiful champagne, curry and sunsetty day in April, because of my inability to focus, because i’m a perfectionist who can’t be perfect.
I am who I am because of Eurocamping and because of sunny days and barbeques, family fall-outs and trips to castle after castle after castle. I am who I am because mum ALWAYS made us read the signs. I am who I am because Dad wrote songs about us, and because of watching newsnight whilst mum snores. I am who I am because of guide camp and midgies, singing campfire songs and bivouacing, meeting friends who were so close for a week and never seen again, climbing harnesses and camp blankets and making up my bedding roll. I am who I am because of primary school history lessons, and really, really hoping Scotland would win each battle.
I am who I am because I could type forever about the past, and because I could dream forever about the future.
I am who I am because of discovering God in all of this and more. I am who I am because sometimes I feel like I’ve lost him. I am who I am because he made me.